Safety Awareness- Warning

I am stepping away from the general comedic flair that most of my pieces take on to send a message of warning.  This cautionary tale is not just for children but adults too.  Games, while fun and seemingly harmless are not always so.  Flip cup for example, is a dangerous game and one should be on guard when they hear those two words in succession.    

There are several factors that play into this game's wrath and ultimately the very demise of the player.  The first being: when it is played during cold and flu season.  Be warned, you can try and cling to your red solo cup for as long as humanly possible, but eventually you will have to leave to go to the bathroom.  At this point you will not remember to bring your cup with you, or have time to search for a sharpie pen before peeing your pants.  It is at this moment in time when your 'friends' will attempt to solicit a substitute player to fill in for the two and a half minutes while you are gone.  After all they can't be expected to pause their binge drinking just for you.  Then they'd have to do it for everyone, and at that rate no one would get shit faced.  The substitute will most likely grab a cup other than yours thus creating a treacherous pinwheel effect in which no player will hold/drink from their original cup again.  The pinwheel effect is duplicated as many times as bathroom breaks are taken as well as when players leave/join the game.  You do the math.

Additionally, diet also plays an important role in this game.  It is particularly less harmful for college aged students who have a hearty diet of Ramen and cheap beer which will sustain their bodies and oddly enough boost immunity.  Though surprising as it may seem, studies show that an elderly person in their mid twenties is far more likely to contract a killer cold/flu virus and be laid out for the next 7-10 days.  It is their routine of daily exercise and plant based foods which make them more susceptible.  

I don't relay this story to be a menace, threaten the reader,  or to sound foreboding... I tell you because it happened to me!!!

DTF!?!

A Review of the Majestic Hotel located in South Beach, FL

Co-written by D'Claire and Anonymous

Do you like house music and Jersey Shore catch phrase tees?  Then this hotel is the prime location for you!  Don’t like making decisions?  You don’t have to!  The street is lined with swarms of friendly hostesses eager to kidnap you and offer you a delicious breakfast for just $4.50! (Florida residents only)  $4.50 out of your budget?  No problem…just keep walking.  If you can escape the death grip clutches of the next few hostesses and make your way to the end of the street you’ll find the same breakfast for $4.25!  85 ounce Margaritas?  No problem!!  That’ll be three hundred and sixty dollars please (gratuity included). 

Back to the luxurious Majestic Hotel.  The hallways are peppered with a fresh aroma of cinnamon air freshener that will tantalize your taste buds prior to putting you in a deep chemical induced coma.  Talk about rest and relaxation reminiscent of grandma’s apple pie misted into a pristine hallway of heavily trafficked green carpet.  Delish! 

Service is number one at the Majestic!  Need your empty toilet paper replaced?  Just call and ask!  You’ll feel all the comforts of home as you make your own bed each morning.  As Forrest Gump said, “life is like a box of chocolates”.  One might wonder if he was referring to the Majestic Hotel in South Beach…sometimes there are clean towels, fresh coffee, and warm bottled water and other times you’ll find none at all!  That’s when the real fun begins! 

If housekeeping is amiss and you can’t start your day without your cup of joe, a fresh “Market” reminiscent of Seattle’s historic Pikes Place is nestled beneath this wonderful palace of pleasure.  Choose from a DTF t-shirt or other wholesome souvenirs for the kids … raunchy cotton thongs and mugs in the shape of breasts are just the beginning of the keepsakes you can explore while picking up a quick snack.  All in a good morning’s fun! 

The Majestic just keeps you guessing day in and day out.  Wrinkly clothes?  No worries!  Just bring your own iron and use their complimentary ironing board.  A bit brisk inside?  A wonderfully patched throw blanket is conveniently located in the same closet as your safe to hold your valuable souvenirs acquired in this city of magic.  That is, if housekeeping thieves your original comforter because “you are checking out today”.  No.  No we aren’t!

Just when you think it couldn’t get better, what with the friendly service staff and do it yourself attitude looming in the delightfully fresh cinnamon scented air, management has cleverly installed a bottle opener attached at arms reach inside the bathroom.   But drink quickly, as the mini fridge you were promised exists only in your dreams.  Speaking of the bathroom, did the hotel description mention a hair dryer?!  That’s just one of a long list of ‘complimentary items’ you will find listed on your bill as you check out.  Surprises at every corner!

Tired of the sandy beaches and sunshine? Don’t worry; a swimming pool is located an easy 10 blocks away at a sister resort.  For a mere $25 you and your loved one can both enjoy a cocktail in paradise, sipping on well tequila from a dixie cup while lounging in a recliner smattered with bird excrement.  I’d like to say the complimentary beach towel you’re laying on is, well…complimentary but we’re pretty sure it’s included in the same daily fee that provides you other lavish accoutrement such as a hair dryer, soap/shampoo, and ice bucket.

If you’d like to pay compliments to the friendly management, don’t you worry your pretty little head; you can call tomorrow…because today is their day off.  

Three stars?  Nay, we say.  We give this hotel three fist pumps!

Hi, this is Kim

Kim is a woman I met at work.  She answers phones for a living.   K-I-M as in Kim Kardashian or Kim Cattrall.  But she's nothing like those Kim's; she's an interesting character, like nobody I've ever met before.  She's the kind of woman you'd affectionately classify as a broad.  She's loud, insulting, and her mom probably coined the term "a face only a mother could love".  She has the visage of Dale Dickey and the body of Homer Simpson.  Her face and hands are weathered.  Not weathered from something vain and leisurely like tanning, but worn from the elements, like wind or sandstorms.  Her hands don't appear as if she's always picked up telephones; they're more like hands that grab live animals...by the throat.  Her former occupation must have been something hard.  The kind of work you'd classify as brutal manual labor, such as harvesting crops or moving boulders in a stone quarry using only brute strength.  It appears that she spent a large portion of her life doing the kind of rugged blue collar chores that are mandatory of inmates.

Her body is fueled by dark lager and discount pork products she buys at Save-A-Lot.  Johnnie Walker surges through her veins and seeps out of her pores.  She drinks whiskey from a pint glass; without rocks.  Although she does give it up each year for lent; "giving up the brown" as she so eloquently puts it.  During the forty days of lent she sacrifices her drink of choice and scales back to a strict detox of heavy beer.  She eats like a football player and is always boasting about the $11 pot roast from Value King that's blistering in her Crock-Pot.  I assume she consumes the entire roast that same evening seeing as how left overs never make it to the office the following day.  She usually totes in a loaf of bread and an entire meatloaf for lunch.  Kim carbo-loads like she's gearing up for a rugby match; and maybe she is, I don't know what she does when she's off the clock (other than swigging bottles of Crown Royal like she's trying to get her name on some 'high score' arcade game in alcoholics heaven).  She's the kind of gal who you envision a bar fight against your dad, or winning a hot dog eating contest, or the kind of woman they name barbecue sauce after.

She's a nice lady, don't get me wrong.  She's very friendly in that abrasive, blunt, outspoken kind of way.  She has the kind of demeanor that would intimidate a cop as he was trying to arrest her.  I wish I could say she's as sweet as pie for the mere fact that she's someone's grandmother, but she's tough as nails.  Her appearance is difficult to describe, to put it gently she has a physique that Peter Griffin would envy.  If beer guts received trophies she'd have a case in the hall of fame!  It's not that she's repulsive, on the contrary she has a boyfriend (who's not a bad looking guy).  I suppose it's easiest to start from the top and work our way down like a slow motion camera shot that reveals a bikini clad female, one body part at a time.  Her hair has a natural curl, parted in the middle, and is always air dried.  This minimalistic "I'm too busy to plug in a goddamn hairdryer" motto creates a cool yet careless persona.  Her coif is sort of a mullet meets Frank Zappa (when his hair was shoulder length) type look. When having a conversation with Kim your eyes alternate between two things; her pores (all of which are clogged) and her teeth which are a yellowish brown and overlap like puzzle pieces that don't fit.  It looks like the receptacle where the tooth fairy dumps all the teeth she's collected over the years.  The interior of her mouth resembles that of a Brussels Griffon both in color and tarter build up; but are worn down to square nubs as if she grinds up bullet casing for fun or opens canned goods with her front teeth.  It's evident she's never been to a dentist seeing as how she's middle aged and yet her teeth appear to be one hundred and sixty seven.  Her smile is more than that of someone who avoids the dentist though; I'd bet money that she sucks on Popsicles before bed or maybe squirts heaping amounts of chocolate syrup over her um...pearly corn kernels before bed in the same way some women apply cold cream; heavy and thick, letting it soak in. 

Her breasts are enormous and the contents spill over the edges; pouring out the front and back.  Her bra is working overtime unable to contain her inheritance as the garment is likely two sizes too small.  I imagine the hook that holds her pride and glory in place is stronger than her quads yet quivers under the fabric of our lives as it threatens to give out.  Her nipples are always hard and proportionate to her tits; huge like gumballs.  Not the kind you had in your home gumball machine as a kid, but the kind in the grocery store that has the swirly slide the gumball rolls down for eternity before it plops out at the bottom.  Her apparent titillation is perplexing because she's always complaining of how hot it is in the office.  This is a woman who brags about not turning on her heat at home until late November and she lives in Cleveland, Ohio!  She can bear the elements better than a lumberjack.  Her favorite pants are a pair of khakis with a tapered leg that holds her ankles tightly.  They gently hug her FUPA as if it's something she's worked hard for and wants on display.  I've never gazed as far down as her feet cause I'm so entranced by the rest of her.  For all I know she comes to the office barefoot.  

Like I said I have nothing against Kim, in fact I find her highly amusing.  I've never meet a broad like her and I don't suspect I will unless she has a sister.  In one way I'm actually jealous of Kim.  She is a woman who totally personifies "I am what I am".  She's a "take it or leave it" kind of gal, who I legitimately believe doesn't have personal body issues.  I'm sure that kind of mentality is only present in .02% of the female population.  She's confident and says exactly what she's thinking even if it's the same kind of sentiment that most people would get fired for.  As Kim would say, "I don't give a rats ass".  And honestly,in that respect, I wish I could be more like Kim.

"Cute but Annoying Guy"

Right off the bat you were cute.  You were also the only person remotely close to my age; that, and the gin I was sipping were both working in your favor.  You wanted to make sure I noticed you and accomplished that by holding the conversation hostage.  That was unnecessary.  While it was a big group, I was sitting right next to you; and rest assured you were noticed. Things got ugly quick...you did that "peacock thing" where you start name dropping and highlighting points of interest about yourself that are supposed to make me think you are the coolest guy I've ever met.  If that didn't make you suck, your relentless comments about your love affair with pork products did.  I believe beer nuts were mentioned as well.  The real kicker was when your high pitched voice kept soaring with each bullet point you added about your post movie analysis.  Strangely enough the group seemed to be interested.  I was amazed at how polite they were being, and at how long it had taken the waiter to refresh my glass; I had been staring at ice cubes and a straw for the past 90 seconds.


This is the mental tally of negative points he was accumulating:

• He was starting to remind me of that cocky guy from work.  You know that guy...the one who just rubs you the wrong way.  Like sand paper on your skin; or trying to shave your krotch, with a dull razor, going 'against the grain' really quick.  He reminded me of that guy, and I was starting to hate him for it.
• His relentless mentions of pork!  And yet he claimed to be well educated, well traveled, and had apparently watched a lot of sophisticated documentaries recently.  Ever seen Food Inc.?  Pork slab, bacon, and sowbelly!?!  This love affair with pork was painting a very unflattering picture of him in the next 10 years; obese and alternating his heart disease meds with nuggets of pork butt, while reclining in a La-Z-Boy.
• The high pitched voice; I have no tolerance for high pitched voices or people who don't let me interrupt.  I don't require that men be super macho, but it would be nice if people were able to appropriately identify his gender when he answers the telephone.  Just saying.

I slapped down my cash on the table and announced to the group that I'd be emailing my thoughts on the film we had just seen.  Pork pants looked surprised.  I grabbed my cell cause I was bored, and it was early.  I thought I'd see if "tries too hard" was available.  Yeah he's annoying too, and agrees with me too much, but at least he's accommodating.  Maybe someday I'll find "funny and holds my attention," but until then I'll keep "young with no job" and "old with mommy issues" in the rotation.

Best Wifey Proposes

If you haven't heard of Wade Cothran: "The Best Roommate Ever" then congrats on your recent discharge from the State Penitentiary.  You have a lot of catching up to do.  Assuming you know how to use a computer; visit apple.com it will blow your mind, google 'social media' (this may require assistance), oh yeah... NASA is gone, and our President is black. Back to this blog and it's author...as a little girl, when I pictured my dream guy, he wasn't holding a beer stein...then along came Wade.  A perfect stranger from Alabama who made me laugh when I read his Craigslist ad that a friend reposted on Facebook http://www.bestroomyever.net/the-ad/

I did what any normal girl who's fallen head over heels for a guy she met on the internet would do; I proposed on Craigslist.  Below is my response to "The Ad".

Best Wifey Ever! - 26 (SF Bay Area)

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Date: 2011-12-16, 8:32PM PST
Reply to:

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Wade I'm in love with you!

Best roommate ever? More like best husband ever!!! You clean toilets, cook, and read books!? Well shit Wade baby. . .what more could a girl ask for? Dude, let's be honest; most women are just looking for a guy who's not a complete douche, who can make her laugh, while being only slightly better looking than Jonah Hill. Seth Rogan at his skinniest couldn't hold a candle to you. Yeah I said it; you're fucking hot!

Plus you cater to vegetarians? Make sweet sweet love to me right now! Most guys think chicken is part of a vegetarian lifestyle. Zucchini and yellow squash Carpaccio? Are you effing kidding me? That's not a word in the average male vocab, much less his recipe collection.

If you didn't have me at "watch the shit out of movies" I was all yours at "love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan." Seriously, where did you come from? Oh that's right you said Alabama. Well I've never been there, but seeing as how it's the birthplace of Helen Keller and ummmm. . . you; it must be pretty awesome. I'm just your average lady looking to get swept off her feet, and let me tell you sir, you swept the shit out from under these piggys. Your words are sheer poetry. And then I read that you own a guitar! One I assume you'll be playing while you serenade me with original love songs about the two of us. After that line, I was putty in your hands. . .the one that isn't holding your two duffle bags of clothing. How modest. You know I bet some girls are bummed that you're not a flaming metrosexual and only own eight pairs of shoes but I think it's incredibly thoughtful. More closet space for me. . .how fuckin' sweet are you!? And to think all I had to do was stumble onto Craigslist to find my perfect match.

Babe, let me just say I can offer your nomadic ass more than just basic shelter and a bathtub. I'M NOT SURE ANYONE HAS EVER ASKED THIS ON CRAIGSLIST BEFORE, BUT WADE COTHRAN WILL YOU MARRY ME?

Here are the following reasons why I'd make a kick ass wife. . .

I'm confidant. No insecure lady sitting at home checking in with you every hour that you're not at home making me bomb ass vegetarian dinners. What's that you say. . . you like to frequent the strip club on occasion? Not a problem teddy bear, I already went to the ATM this afternoon and got you a shit ton of singles. So hand over that Monopoly money so you don't get kicked out again.

Too tired to cook Carpaccio tonight? No worries, I go H.A.M in the kitchen! How does penne a la vodka, with a tossed salad, and red velvet cake for dessert sound? All in a days work hot stuff.

Don't like pet names? No prob; I was never that attached to them anyway. Like to booze it up with your lady but hate when she spills on your oversized couch? I'm not a spiller. Party fouls have never been my forte. With a stem or without. . .in a solo cup or in a beer bong. . .I don't spill a drop. Yeah you guessed it; you're gonna want me on your beer pong and flip cup team, cause I've got mad skillz and I'm super competitive.

Just before you assume I look like a big dyke, you're wrong. I'm a  petite brunette, and my measurements are the same as the ones Sir Mix A Lot rapped about. You know. . . "36- 24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3." That's me to a 'T'. So yes, I'm pretty banging, very feminine, and a total girls' girl. Which means you'll have to open jar lids for me, hold on to my arm when I'm sporting 5" heels, and expect that it takes me at least an hour to shower and get ready for a dinner date.

Did I mention that my sexual appetite can rival that of most frat guys? Plus I'm a theatre major so I love to role-play. I keep it spicy by nature. . . trust me boredom has never been an issue. Plus I studied dance for sixteen years. Excellent for posture, body awareness, self-confidence, and oh yeah. . . flexibility. You get it.

Before you think I want to ruin our lives with a bunch of mini Wade Cothrans, you're wrong. Having babies doesn't interest me. Which is good news for us. . . we'll have plenty of money to travel, buy oversized sofas designed by super models, and stock our bar with expensive liquor. And most importantly I'll never get saggy
tits.

And don't worry I'm open to relocating. I currently reside in Cleveland; it's the Paris of Ohio. While the sunny bay area sounds enticing, I'll warn you that it'll take some convincing to pull me away from the shores of Lake Erie. If you've ever been here, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.

So Wade, if you're reading this and had to think of your grandmother at least once to suppress a boner, then you should seriously consider my marriage proposal. After all, girls like me don't come around on Craigslist everyday.

*Other applicants need not apply; my heart belongs to Wade

• Location: SF Bay Area
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2757284148

Office Holiday Party

They're flying off the shelves...

Break-ups

                    I broke up with my boyfriend, 

                                                                                                    (solution)

                 broke up with my waxer,

                                                                                 (remedy)
and I broke up with my therapist...

                                                            (answer)

But now that I don't leave the house, 
I'm saving so much money on gas!