DTF!?!

A Review of the Majestic Hotel located in South Beach, FL

Co-written by D'Claire and Anonymous

Do you like house music and Jersey Shore catch phrase tees?  Then this hotel is the prime location for you!  Don’t like making decisions?  You don’t have to!  The street is lined with swarms of friendly hostesses eager to kidnap you and offer you a delicious breakfast for just $4.50! (Florida residents only)  $4.50 out of your budget?  No problem…just keep walking.  If you can escape the death grip clutches of the next few hostesses and make your way to the end of the street you’ll find the same breakfast for $4.25!  85 ounce Margaritas?  No problem!!  That’ll be three hundred and sixty dollars please (gratuity included). 

Back to the luxurious Majestic Hotel.  The hallways are peppered with a fresh aroma of cinnamon air freshener that will tantalize your taste buds prior to putting you in a deep chemical induced coma.  Talk about rest and relaxation reminiscent of grandma’s apple pie misted into a pristine hallway of heavily trafficked green carpet.  Delish! 

Service is number one at the Majestic!  Need your empty toilet paper replaced?  Just call and ask!  You’ll feel all the comforts of home as you make your own bed each morning.  As Forrest Gump said, “life is like a box of chocolates”.  One might wonder if he was referring to the Majestic Hotel in South Beach…sometimes there are clean towels, fresh coffee, and warm bottled water and other times you’ll find none at all!  That’s when the real fun begins! 

If housekeeping is amiss and you can’t start your day without your cup of joe, a fresh “Market” reminiscent of Seattle’s historic Pikes Place is nestled beneath this wonderful palace of pleasure.  Choose from a DTF t-shirt or other wholesome souvenirs for the kids … raunchy cotton thongs and mugs in the shape of breasts are just the beginning of the keepsakes you can explore while picking up a quick snack.  All in a good morning’s fun! 

The Majestic just keeps you guessing day in and day out.  Wrinkly clothes?  No worries!  Just bring your own iron and use their complimentary ironing board.  A bit brisk inside?  A wonderfully patched throw blanket is conveniently located in the same closet as your safe to hold your valuable souvenirs acquired in this city of magic.  That is, if housekeeping thieves your original comforter because “you are checking out today”.  No.  No we aren’t!

Just when you think it couldn’t get better, what with the friendly service staff and do it yourself attitude looming in the delightfully fresh cinnamon scented air, management has cleverly installed a bottle opener attached at arms reach inside the bathroom.   But drink quickly, as the mini fridge you were promised exists only in your dreams.  Speaking of the bathroom, did the hotel description mention a hair dryer?!  That’s just one of a long list of ‘complimentary items’ you will find listed on your bill as you check out.  Surprises at every corner!

Tired of the sandy beaches and sunshine? Don’t worry; a swimming pool is located an easy 10 blocks away at a sister resort.  For a mere $25 you and your loved one can both enjoy a cocktail in paradise, sipping on well tequila from a dixie cup while lounging in a recliner smattered with bird excrement.  I’d like to say the complimentary beach towel you’re laying on is, well…complimentary but we’re pretty sure it’s included in the same daily fee that provides you other lavish accoutrement such as a hair dryer, soap/shampoo, and ice bucket.

If you’d like to pay compliments to the friendly management, don’t you worry your pretty little head; you can call tomorrow…because today is their day off.  

Three stars?  Nay, we say.  We give this hotel three fist pumps!