Online Dating Tutorial: Profile Pictures 201

This post is a continuation in what I'm sure will be a series of self help tutorials aiding clueless males down the littered back alley of online dating.  There truly are so many things to be said for the importance in carefully choosing ones profile picture.  

*Disclaimer: If at any point while reading you find yourself lost or disconnected in regards to the content, please refer back to the prequel to this tutorial entitled: Profile Pictures 101.  In my first guide I gloss over the fundamentals, structure, and building blocks of profile pics while highlighting common mistakes.  202 is an in depth analysis as we step farther away from the 'common man' and delve deep into a sect of males I like to call "guys who just don't get it".  Below is an honest female perception of the following profile pictures after a prudent and thorough five second viewing period.

1. The Army Dude

Let's be totally honest here.  Nothing says Skype dates and pleasuring yourself with your vibrator like dating a guy in the military.  No offense, but long distance is rough.  And dating someone overseas with limited access to a telephone, is long distance for extremists who are reeking with patience and copious amounts of self control.  Moving along...


2. Committing Arson in my Spencers T-Shirt

Okay buddy let's get real, that fire is beyond us two getting cozy and toasting marshmallows.  That's the kind of fire you destroy evidence in...the kind of evidence you don't want to be recovered...EVER!  It's down right reminiscent of the guy posing with his rifle in Profile Pictures 101.  I see this photo, and I take this as your solemn promise to burn me alive should I ever break up with you.  Starting a relationship off with scary promises of bodily torture isn't a killer way to find your match (both puns intended)...but hey, I'm no expert.
Secondly, your shirt says "Plays Well With Self".  Classy.  And from the looks of you, painfully obvious.  But let's not start out by spouting off about our masterbation habits right off the bat...we haven't even met yet.  Save something for date number two.  Perhaps you yourself (reader) are like this guy and don't have a lot to brag about.  I mean aside from building ridiculously large fires in desolate areas (most likely full of human corpses) and your right handed girlfriend (unless of course you're a lefty) maybe you should try and highlight other positive qualities you might have.


3. The Name Dropper

We get it you met Giada DeLaurentiis.   And in addition to you wanting me to assume you're a bad ass cook, and hoping I blind myself with visions of us cuddled up watching the Food Network, I'm also supposed to think you're the coolest guy I've ever met right?  Talented in the kitchen, perhaps he's on the sensitive side...I'm on to you asshole!  What really infuriates me about this picture is not your potential love of Italian cuisine or whatever fetish you might have for petite brunettes, but that you are exploiting Giada!  After she signed your cookbook did you ask her if you could post her picture on www.nolongerlonely.com?  (yeah, it's fucking real...click that shit)  Don't do that to Giada, or your kids, or your grandma, or your ugliest friend.  It's not cool to expose a third party just to make yourself look cool, sensitive, or more attractive.  Plus it didn't earn you any brownie points...in fact they've been revoked!


4. The Knee Slapper

"This picture more than adequately depicts my sense of humor and flair for tomfoolery.  Let me break down the series of events surrounding this picture so you can fully understand why I chose this as the one and only picture in my profile, and thus the only means you have to judge me as a person (besides some poorly worded paragraph I wrote about myself.)  
I opened up a present on Christmas morning and then proceeded to put the ribbon from the box on my head.  I'm sure I'm the first person to ever do this, so unknowingly this photo also portrays how original and spontaneous I can be.  My sisters kids got a real kick out of this one.  (note little bastard I was unable to fully crop out)  I guess you could say I'm a bit of a practical joker.  Regardless, if you date me I can guarantee there is plenty more where this came from!"


5. Grow up you fucking babies!

No woman in her right mind is sitting on her couch sifting through personal ads saying, "I just want a boyfriend to take care of...the kind of guy who's searching for the mother figure he never had growing up."  Stop portraying yourself in odd pictures partaking in little boy activities.  Get off the swings, take off that stupid bucket hat, and grow up.  Did I mention the removal that heinous hat?  Because that's almost more offensive that your love of tree swings.
As for the gentleman spooning his teddy.  I really hope he's trying to be funny and this picture is actually a witty commentary on how he doesn't take himself or online dating too seriously.  If not I'm worried.  Worried for single women everywhere, as all hope for us is seemingly diminished with each click of a new profile.


6. I Spy

Let's talk about what we see in this picture.  Aside from the obvious thug tatts, ugly shower curtain, and wife beater tan lines...why does this guy have 5 tooth brushes?  1 dude, 5 tooth brushes, and 1 washcloth sized towel.  I'm no mathematician, but this just doesn't add up.  Roommates you say?  Ugh...I have failed you as a teacher.  WRONG...it's worse than four roommates, we're talking kids here.  While there is no mention of him having children in his profile (not even in the drop down box titled 'children')  Take note of the plastic tree frog behind his head.  Take an even closer look, and you'll also notice a second wall decal, precisely at a toddler height level. Something cartoonish and colorful...the kind of shit that bemuses children while they bathe.  This guy definitely has kids...I'm willing to guess about four; unless he just has a compulsive brushing habit and a really horrible sense of aesthetics when it comes to home decor.  In that case I take back what I said about his plethora of little angels.  Either way, steer clear of this one for a variety of reasons!