I did what any normal girl who's fallen head over heels for a guy she met on the internet would do; I proposed on Craigslist. Below is my response to "The Ad".
Best Wifey Ever! - 26 (SF Bay Area)
Date: 2011-12-16, 8:32PM PST
Reply to:
Wade I'm in love with you!
Best roommate ever? More like best husband ever!!! You clean toilets, cook, and read books!? Well shit Wade baby. . .what more could a girl ask for? Dude, let's be honest; most women are just looking for a guy who's not a complete douche, who can make her laugh, while being only slightly better looking than Jonah Hill. Seth Rogan at his skinniest couldn't hold a candle to you. Yeah I said it; you're fucking hot!
Plus you cater to vegetarians? Make sweet sweet love to me right now! Most guys think chicken is part of a vegetarian lifestyle. Zucchini and yellow squash Carpaccio? Are you effing kidding me? That's not a word in the average male vocab, much less his recipe collection.
If you didn't have me at "watch the shit out of movies" I was all yours at "love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan." Seriously, where did you come from? Oh that's right you said Alabama. Well I've never been there, but seeing as how it's the birthplace of Helen Keller and ummmm. . . you; it must be pretty awesome. I'm just your average lady looking to get swept off her feet, and let me tell you sir, you swept the shit out from under these piggys. Your words are sheer poetry. And then I read that you own a guitar! One I assume you'll be playing while you serenade me with original love songs about the two of us. After that line, I was putty in your hands. . .the one that isn't holding your two duffle bags of clothing. How modest. You know I bet some girls are bummed that you're not a flaming metrosexual and only own eight pairs of shoes but I think it's incredibly thoughtful. More closet space for me. . .how fuckin' sweet are you!? And to think all I had to do was stumble onto Craigslist to find my perfect match.
Babe, let me just say I can offer your nomadic ass more than just basic shelter and a bathtub. I'M NOT SURE ANYONE HAS EVER ASKED THIS ON CRAIGSLIST BEFORE, BUT WADE COTHRAN WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Here are the following reasons why I'd make a kick ass wife. . .
I'm confidant. No insecure lady sitting at home checking in with you every hour that you're not at home making me bomb ass vegetarian dinners. What's that you say. . . you like to frequent the strip club on occasion? Not a problem teddy bear, I already went to the ATM this afternoon and got you a shit ton of singles. So hand over that Monopoly money so you don't get kicked out again.
Too tired to cook Carpaccio tonight? No worries, I go H.A.M in the kitchen! How does penne a la vodka, with a tossed salad, and red velvet cake for dessert sound? All in a days work hot stuff.
Don't like pet names? No prob; I was never that attached to them anyway. Like to booze it up with your lady but hate when she spills on your oversized couch? I'm not a spiller. Party fouls have never been my forte. With a stem or without. . .in a solo cup or in a beer bong. . .I don't spill a drop. Yeah you guessed it; you're gonna want me on your beer pong and flip cup team, cause I've got mad skillz and I'm super competitive.
Just before you assume I look like a big dyke, you're wrong. I'm a petite brunette, and my measurements are the same as the ones Sir Mix A Lot rapped about. You know. . . "36- 24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3." That's me to a 'T'. So yes, I'm pretty banging, very feminine, and a total girls' girl. Which means you'll have to open jar lids for me, hold on to my arm when I'm sporting 5" heels, and expect that it takes me at least an hour to shower and get ready for a dinner date.
Did I mention that my sexual appetite can rival that of most frat guys? Plus I'm a theatre major so I love to role-play. I keep it spicy by nature. . . trust me boredom has never been an issue. Plus I studied dance for sixteen years. Excellent for posture, body awareness, self-confidence, and oh yeah. . . flexibility. You get it.
Before you think I want to ruin our lives with a bunch of mini Wade Cothrans, you're wrong. Having babies doesn't interest me. Which is good news for us. . . we'll have plenty of money to travel, buy oversized sofas designed by super models, and stock our bar with expensive liquor. And most importantly I'll never get saggy
tits.
And don't worry I'm open to relocating. I currently reside in Cleveland; it's the Paris of Ohio. While the sunny bay area sounds enticing, I'll warn you that it'll take some convincing to pull me away from the shores of Lake Erie. If you've ever been here, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.
So Wade, if you're reading this and had to think of your grandmother at least once to suppress a boner, then you should seriously consider my marriage proposal. After all, girls like me don't come around on Craigslist everyday.
*Other applicants need not apply; my heart belongs to Wade
PostingID: 2757284148
Best roommate ever? More like best husband ever!!! You clean toilets, cook, and read books!? Well shit Wade baby. . .what more could a girl ask for? Dude, let's be honest; most women are just looking for a guy who's not a complete douche, who can make her laugh, while being only slightly better looking than Jonah Hill. Seth Rogan at his skinniest couldn't hold a candle to you. Yeah I said it; you're fucking hot!
Plus you cater to vegetarians? Make sweet sweet love to me right now! Most guys think chicken is part of a vegetarian lifestyle. Zucchini and yellow squash Carpaccio? Are you effing kidding me? That's not a word in the average male vocab, much less his recipe collection.
If you didn't have me at "watch the shit out of movies" I was all yours at "love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan." Seriously, where did you come from? Oh that's right you said Alabama. Well I've never been there, but seeing as how it's the birthplace of Helen Keller and ummmm. . . you; it must be pretty awesome. I'm just your average lady looking to get swept off her feet, and let me tell you sir, you swept the shit out from under these piggys. Your words are sheer poetry. And then I read that you own a guitar! One I assume you'll be playing while you serenade me with original love songs about the two of us. After that line, I was putty in your hands. . .the one that isn't holding your two duffle bags of clothing. How modest. You know I bet some girls are bummed that you're not a flaming metrosexual and only own eight pairs of shoes but I think it's incredibly thoughtful. More closet space for me. . .how fuckin' sweet are you!? And to think all I had to do was stumble onto Craigslist to find my perfect match.
Babe, let me just say I can offer your nomadic ass more than just basic shelter and a bathtub. I'M NOT SURE ANYONE HAS EVER ASKED THIS ON CRAIGSLIST BEFORE, BUT WADE COTHRAN WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Here are the following reasons why I'd make a kick ass wife. . .
I'm confidant. No insecure lady sitting at home checking in with you every hour that you're not at home making me bomb ass vegetarian dinners. What's that you say. . . you like to frequent the strip club on occasion? Not a problem teddy bear, I already went to the ATM this afternoon and got you a shit ton of singles. So hand over that Monopoly money so you don't get kicked out again.
Too tired to cook Carpaccio tonight? No worries, I go H.A.M in the kitchen! How does penne a la vodka, with a tossed salad, and red velvet cake for dessert sound? All in a days work hot stuff.
Don't like pet names? No prob; I was never that attached to them anyway. Like to booze it up with your lady but hate when she spills on your oversized couch? I'm not a spiller. Party fouls have never been my forte. With a stem or without. . .in a solo cup or in a beer bong. . .I don't spill a drop. Yeah you guessed it; you're gonna want me on your beer pong and flip cup team, cause I've got mad skillz and I'm super competitive.
Just before you assume I look like a big dyke, you're wrong. I'm a petite brunette, and my measurements are the same as the ones Sir Mix A Lot rapped about. You know. . . "36- 24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3." That's me to a 'T'. So yes, I'm pretty banging, very feminine, and a total girls' girl. Which means you'll have to open jar lids for me, hold on to my arm when I'm sporting 5" heels, and expect that it takes me at least an hour to shower and get ready for a dinner date.
Did I mention that my sexual appetite can rival that of most frat guys? Plus I'm a theatre major so I love to role-play. I keep it spicy by nature. . . trust me boredom has never been an issue. Plus I studied dance for sixteen years. Excellent for posture, body awareness, self-confidence, and oh yeah. . . flexibility. You get it.
Before you think I want to ruin our lives with a bunch of mini Wade Cothrans, you're wrong. Having babies doesn't interest me. Which is good news for us. . . we'll have plenty of money to travel, buy oversized sofas designed by super models, and stock our bar with expensive liquor. And most importantly I'll never get saggy
tits.
And don't worry I'm open to relocating. I currently reside in Cleveland; it's the Paris of Ohio. While the sunny bay area sounds enticing, I'll warn you that it'll take some convincing to pull me away from the shores of Lake Erie. If you've ever been here, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.
So Wade, if you're reading this and had to think of your grandmother at least once to suppress a boner, then you should seriously consider my marriage proposal. After all, girls like me don't come around on Craigslist everyday.
*Other applicants need not apply; my heart belongs to Wade
- Location: SF Bay Area
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Vonnegut, Palanhiuk =, and Hawthorne. How FUCKING original, too!
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