"Cute but Annoying Guy"

Right off the bat you were cute.  You were also the only person remotely close to my age; that, and the gin I was sipping were both working in your favor.  You wanted to make sure I noticed you and accomplished that by holding the conversation hostage.  That was unnecessary.  While it was a big group, I was sitting right next to you; and rest assured you were noticed. Things got ugly quick...you did that "peacock thing" where you start name dropping and highlighting points of interest about yourself that are supposed to make me think you are the coolest guy I've ever met.  If that didn't make you suck, your relentless comments about your love affair with pork products did.  I believe beer nuts were mentioned as well.  The real kicker was when your high pitched voice kept soaring with each bullet point you added about your post movie analysis.  Strangely enough the group seemed to be interested.  I was amazed at how polite they were being, and at how long it had taken the waiter to refresh my glass; I had been staring at ice cubes and a straw for the past 90 seconds.


This is the mental tally of negative points he was accumulating:

• He was starting to remind me of that cocky guy from work.  You know that guy...the one who just rubs you the wrong way.  Like sand paper on your skin; or trying to shave your krotch, with a dull razor, going 'against the grain' really quick.  He reminded me of that guy, and I was starting to hate him for it.
• His relentless mentions of pork!  And yet he claimed to be well educated, well traveled, and had apparently watched a lot of sophisticated documentaries recently.  Ever seen Food Inc.?  Pork slab, bacon, and sowbelly!?!  This love affair with pork was painting a very unflattering picture of him in the next 10 years; obese and alternating his heart disease meds with nuggets of pork butt, while reclining in a La-Z-Boy.
• The high pitched voice; I have no tolerance for high pitched voices or people who don't let me interrupt.  I don't require that men be super macho, but it would be nice if people were able to appropriately identify his gender when he answers the telephone.  Just saying.

I slapped down my cash on the table and announced to the group that I'd be emailing my thoughts on the film we had just seen.  Pork pants looked surprised.  I grabbed my cell cause I was bored, and it was early.  I thought I'd see if "tries too hard" was available.  Yeah he's annoying too, and agrees with me too much, but at least he's accommodating.  Maybe someday I'll find "funny and holds my attention," but until then I'll keep "young with no job" and "old with mommy issues" in the rotation.