The Virgin Mary

I always think it's strange when my doctor asks, "Any chance of pregnancy?" 


Why bring chance into it?  I guess anything is possible; look at the Virgin Mary.  She was on the ultimate birth control and she still got knocked up. 


So to answer your question, "Yeah I guess there's always a chance."

Online Dating Tutorial: Profile Pictures 101

I'm not a relationship professional or an online dating aficionado, but as a female with strong opinions, I have a few pointers when it comes to males and how they advertise themselves on dating sites.


The following is a tutorial for men on what not to do when uploading a profile picture.  No computer algorithms were used to derive these conclusions, there were no in depth panel discussions, no board certified doctors present during this research; but I can personally guarantee that these men are not getting dates.
So guys read on, and discover how to stop cock blocking yourself with a bad pic and actually meet some ladies.


Exhibit A
College Forever Land

Wow, I'm impressed!  Some men may assume that security, intelligence, wit, and dashing good looks are at the top of a woman's list; but they're wrong.  Most women are more concerned with whether or not their man is going to dominate in a rowdy game of beer pong.  No lady wants to be embarrassed at the bar by her guy's less than average ball tossing form.
It may surprise you, but 3 traits listed higher than your skills in the bed are: his ability to rack up points in beer pong, speed and agility in flip cup, and form/cleanliness when bonging a beer.  It's tough to find a 35 year old male who's trapped in a world where he never stops playing college drinking games.  Exhibit A proves he's out there, and I can speak for all women when I say, "Thank God!  He really does exist."


In all seriousness we get it dude.  This was a proud moment and you've captured it on film.  But keep this one buried in a box in your basement.  Highlighting your beer pong skills when you only have a limited number of photos to upload is a total waste.  So was the money you spent on that XXL t-shirt, but that's fairly minor in the scope of what's happening in this picture, so I'll let it slide.  Also, no need to list how many shots of Jagermeister you can down in an evening.  Feel free to omit that from your profile, most ladies are interested in more traditional stats: height, weight, income, etc.


Exhibit B
Check dis shit out!

Sadly, this is the same guy as Exhibit A (no joke).  Nothing quite says, "I'll probably blow your head off when you break up with me" like this picture.  If this photo is supposed to depict a profound love of hunting, perhaps he should have listed that under his hobbies.  Or taken this photograph while wearing hunting apparel in the middle of a forest.
Instead he threw on his favorite tee, parked it on his couch, and had his friend photograph him holding a giant rifle.  (Friend w/ camera) "Dude what's this for?"  (Scary gun owner) "I just started online dating and I need some kick-ass pics to reel in the ladies.  Now let's go down to the basement and get a couple of me by the beer pong table."


Exhibit C
It's hard to avoid looking like a douchebag when you're taking your own shirtless photo.

 
This guy is naked in all of his pictures.  Having to view one picture of a guy with his shirt off is a deal breaker (depending on his biceps), but 6 photos!  After a brief overview, any lady perusing these photos is going to realize that your dating venues are seriously limited.  Second thought, why is his camera so handy post shower!?  This is a sure fire way to totally weird a girl out.  Also his screen name: hot_guy69_4you_baby.


**There are exceptions to being shirtless. Here is an example of an acceptable shirtless photo: 1. He isn't taking the picture himself  2. He is taking part in a shirtless activity  3. He has a great bod

Exhibit D
I love to read

Not all bad photos are of tools and douchebags.  Some lame photos are of intelligent fools like this one.  Here's the thing buddy, you can just tell me that you enjoy great literature and I'd believe you.  Just as I'd believe you if you said you love Mexican food, that you work out three times a week, or have a  really organized apartment.  I don't need a picture of you eating guacamole, red faced and sweaty on the treadmill, or a photo of your in-home filing system.  I get it, and I believe you.  I have no reason not to; you're a perfect stranger and you can paint any of picture of yourself that you want to.  


Exhibit E
You wanna date me?  F*&k you!

Positive aspects of this pic: the bike, it's cool.


Deal breaker: flicking off the girl who was interested enough in your profile to glance at your photos.  Not a great kick off to a romantic relationship.  This appears to be a candid photo, what with his lounge position, but then he gives the middle finger to the guy he asked to photograph him?!  I guess I'm supposed to think he's cool?  A rebel?  A badass?  Basically the only way this pic would be acceptable is if he was fleeing the paparazzi while riding the bike, and flicking them off during the high speed chase.


To sum up this tutorial: if your mother wouldn't frame it, and put it above the fireplace; don't add it to your profile pictures.