Online Dating Tutorial: Profile Pictures 101

I'm not a relationship professional or an online dating aficionado, but as a female with strong opinions, I have a few pointers when it comes to males and how they advertise themselves on dating sites.


The following is a tutorial for men on what not to do when uploading a profile picture.  No computer algorithms were used to derive these conclusions, there were no in depth panel discussions, no board certified doctors present during this research; but I can personally guarantee that these men are not getting dates.
So guys read on, and discover how to stop cock blocking yourself with a bad pic and actually meet some ladies.


Exhibit A
College Forever Land

Wow, I'm impressed!  Some men may assume that security, intelligence, wit, and dashing good looks are at the top of a woman's list; but they're wrong.  Most women are more concerned with whether or not their man is going to dominate in a rowdy game of beer pong.  No lady wants to be embarrassed at the bar by her guy's less than average ball tossing form.
It may surprise you, but 3 traits listed higher than your skills in the bed are: his ability to rack up points in beer pong, speed and agility in flip cup, and form/cleanliness when bonging a beer.  It's tough to find a 35 year old male who's trapped in a world where he never stops playing college drinking games.  Exhibit A proves he's out there, and I can speak for all women when I say, "Thank God!  He really does exist."


In all seriousness we get it dude.  This was a proud moment and you've captured it on film.  But keep this one buried in a box in your basement.  Highlighting your beer pong skills when you only have a limited number of photos to upload is a total waste.  So was the money you spent on that XXL t-shirt, but that's fairly minor in the scope of what's happening in this picture, so I'll let it slide.  Also, no need to list how many shots of Jagermeister you can down in an evening.  Feel free to omit that from your profile, most ladies are interested in more traditional stats: height, weight, income, etc.


Exhibit B
Check dis shit out!

Sadly, this is the same guy as Exhibit A (no joke).  Nothing quite says, "I'll probably blow your head off when you break up with me" like this picture.  If this photo is supposed to depict a profound love of hunting, perhaps he should have listed that under his hobbies.  Or taken this photograph while wearing hunting apparel in the middle of a forest.
Instead he threw on his favorite tee, parked it on his couch, and had his friend photograph him holding a giant rifle.  (Friend w/ camera) "Dude what's this for?"  (Scary gun owner) "I just started online dating and I need some kick-ass pics to reel in the ladies.  Now let's go down to the basement and get a couple of me by the beer pong table."


Exhibit C
It's hard to avoid looking like a douchebag when you're taking your own shirtless photo.

 
This guy is naked in all of his pictures.  Having to view one picture of a guy with his shirt off is a deal breaker (depending on his biceps), but 6 photos!  After a brief overview, any lady perusing these photos is going to realize that your dating venues are seriously limited.  Second thought, why is his camera so handy post shower!?  This is a sure fire way to totally weird a girl out.  Also his screen name: hot_guy69_4you_baby.


**There are exceptions to being shirtless. Here is an example of an acceptable shirtless photo: 1. He isn't taking the picture himself  2. He is taking part in a shirtless activity  3. He has a great bod

Exhibit D
I love to read

Not all bad photos are of tools and douchebags.  Some lame photos are of intelligent fools like this one.  Here's the thing buddy, you can just tell me that you enjoy great literature and I'd believe you.  Just as I'd believe you if you said you love Mexican food, that you work out three times a week, or have a  really organized apartment.  I don't need a picture of you eating guacamole, red faced and sweaty on the treadmill, or a photo of your in-home filing system.  I get it, and I believe you.  I have no reason not to; you're a perfect stranger and you can paint any of picture of yourself that you want to.  


Exhibit E
You wanna date me?  F*&k you!

Positive aspects of this pic: the bike, it's cool.


Deal breaker: flicking off the girl who was interested enough in your profile to glance at your photos.  Not a great kick off to a romantic relationship.  This appears to be a candid photo, what with his lounge position, but then he gives the middle finger to the guy he asked to photograph him?!  I guess I'm supposed to think he's cool?  A rebel?  A badass?  Basically the only way this pic would be acceptable is if he was fleeing the paparazzi while riding the bike, and flicking them off during the high speed chase.


To sum up this tutorial: if your mother wouldn't frame it, and put it above the fireplace; don't add it to your profile pictures.

Zumba Scares Me

I attended my first Zumba class earlier this summer after my sister begged me to sign up with her. (In case you are unaware, Zumba is a Latin dance exercise class.) It's sweeping the nation...where have you been? We took the six week session...it was awesome. It was Super fun, a great workout, and the teacher make it look so easy. After week three I was like, "psshhh... I could teach a Zumba class". 

In typical Jen fashion, I found a certification class, signed up, and put it on my credit card in five minutes flat. That's right, no real thought was put into this decision. It was a couple hundred bucks. Ok, a couple hundred dollars I didn't actually have, but I kept telling myself, "Education is never a bad investment." I'm a pro at rationalizing purchases.  

Training day rolled around and I drove to the YMCA and hour away.  I was ready to learn everything I needed to know to become the Zumba instructor I'd been dancing behind for the last 6 weeks. The class was taught by two white, middle aged, married people. Married to each other that is...a fact I'm glad they mentioned because the husbands sexuality was beyond questionable. The two of them were cut straight from an infomercial and pasted into the YMCA. They're entrance into the gym was choreographed and cued by music. Their Zumba apparel even framed their Zumba tattoos. Yes, that's right! Both of them were sporting the Zumba logo which was tattooed on their body...in ink...FOREVER! I was getting sweaty, were tattoos mandatory to graduate? It was barely 8am, and the two of them stormed into the basketball court painted gym like a coked out pair of the SNL cheerleaders. "Who's ready to Zumba!!!??? Well come on!!! Get up and let's get craaaazaaaayyyy!" I looked around and people were actually running to get a spot in front. There were no door prizes...why the fuck was everyone running!?! I woke up late that morning and didn't get my Starbucks. I thought it would be ok...I thought we'd start with an informational video or something a little more sedentary.

To sum up the day, we danced a ton, we watched the husband and wife team grind a lot, and we were all brainwashed into joining the "insiders club". The super cool, elite, club for instructors that offers DVD's, music, and discounts for the low low price of $30 a month. I walked into the YMCA repeating this promise in my head, "Don't join the 'insiders club'; no matter what it comes with, or how good it sounds, DON'T PAY TO BE IN THE CLUB!"

I am a weak willed person; especially in the presence of great sales people.

Yes, I am still a member of the stupid insiders club. This will serve as a reminder to myself to call and cancel asap. I got home from the training session and realized I just spent several hundred bucks to watch a white guy "brush the dirt of his shoulders". What the hell did I really know about Zumba!? I didn't walk away with a lesson plan, or dances, or even music. (I have to wait for that shit to come in the mail) I just attended a motivational seminar that got me so pumped to teach I didn't realize that I was only leaving with a club card and a diploma.

The cherry on the sundae of this story is that in typical Jen fashion; I secured a job teaching Zumba about a week before I took the course. I had the daunting task of filling an hour with Latin dance. Dances I know like the back of my hand, so the people behind me can follow along.  Do you know how many songs fit into an hour!? Nearly 16! Talk about pressure...why did I do this to myself? I'll say it; I'm scared of Zumba.  Unfortunately, next Thursday it's on!  Me...faking Zumba in front of a classroom full of people expecting a coked out SNL cheerleader.

  

List Making

I made a list of all the reasons you suck!  That way on the off chance that I forget, I can reference it and remind myself why we stopped talking.

Seriously, where the hell did I put it?!?

People Watching

My inner thoughts while people watching for three hours at the Atlanta airport...

An attractive guy walks by:
Hmmm... I wonder what he looks like with his shirt off?

A really attractive guy walks by in the other direction:
Wow...hot!  I bet his has a big one.  At least I hope so...

A girl in pajamas shuffles by:
Come on girl!  Seriously!?

An overweight guy walks by (belly hanging over pants) :
I bet he's really funny.

Wandering Hands

Remember that kid from high school who would creep up behind you with clammy hands offering to massaging your shoulders?  Well not exactly offer... more or less just straddle you from behind toboggan style, while putting a death grip on your trapezius muscles so you couldn't get away.   If you don't recall that kid then your subconscious has done you a favor, and if you do then he definitely makes a cameo in your nightmares from time to time.

I learned an important lesson this week.  "Hands" grows up...and unfortunately he never grew out of his compulsion to invade the personal space of others.  In fact he doesn't even know what personal space is!?  I know this because I work with him.  It's not actually the same kid from high school, but a grown up adult version.  In the work setting this translates into body contact with every social exchange of words. 

"Excuse me" =  his hands on your back or shoulders as he mimes squeezing past when there is actually more than 3 feet of room between you and the wall
"This is nice" = him touching the fabric of your clothes and rubbing it between his fingers like he's never felt cotton before
"Do something different with your hair?" = him fingering the ends of your locks (your hair is the same as it is everyday)
"I didn't want to startle you" = he approaches your desk and immediately puts his hand on your shoulder
"A lot of rain lately huh?" = he gives you a baseball style butt tap (ok not really, but I'm sure it's coming one of these days)

This man is skilled and doesn't pick up on body language or social cues.  I've literally power walked down the hallway and he still maintains constant contact with his hand on my lower back.  I've done "fake outs" and changed which hallway I decide to turn down last minute, I've cleared the better part of a staircase in one jump, and use the reflections in the glass picture frames to avoid a chance run in...my success rate isn't that impressive, but it's a pretty great workout.  Maybe someday I'll stop suppressing the word vomit and tell him to get out of my bubble...until then I'll work on honing my cat like reflexes.

He Could Have Been the First

The first guy who actually 'got it'; who was on the same page.

The following entry is not about suppressed word vomit; on the contrary it's one of the few times I said what I wanted to say... and not just to myself, but out loud.

I met Bob...um scratch that, let's call him Ryan.  We met back in December and went out on two dates.  The first date was really quite great.  His humor and excellent choice in restaurants had nearly overshadowed the fact that he was average looking and overweight.

Second date: another great restaurant, very funny convo, and I think he even ordered a bottle of wine for us to split.  I don't know why, but when a guy orders the whole bottle I feel like we're both ballers.  And I mean that how black people use it, as in 'ballas'.  This guy was hilarious and a great story teller.  I know, I know, it was Marilyn Monroe who said, "if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything."  But as I like say, "You can't sleep with someones personality."   I wasn't even interested in making out with his.  I mean we did, but that's only cause he caught me off guard and because I was trapped in his car.  This 'surprise attack makeout' has happened to me on more than one occasion.  I must have horrible reflexes or seriously need to come up with a standard line to use when I see an unwanted guy going in for the kill.

After the second date I didn't hear from him for a month and I found this really gratifying for several reasons.  First off, it was refreshing that we were both mutually uninterested.  Totally mutual breakups almost never happen; kind of like simultaneous orgasms.  Second, his not calling meant we were on the same page.  He saw it like I did... and was sparring me that weird quasi breakup speech where he makes me dump him even though we were never dating in the first place!  I was ready to write him down in my book as 'the guy who actually gets it'.  Thank God...finally a guy who is really astute to social cues.

I spoke to soon cause a day later he sent me a text that accused me of ignoring him.  That series of texts went something like this:
R: What's up I get no response!?  Geeeeez.  Guess you're just crazy busy with work or your play...that must me it.            [I was actually producing/directing a play I wrote during this time]
Me: Actually I am...the show opens this weekend, pretty hectic.
R: Exciting!  However I think you need to prioritize appropriately...let me help.
1. Return Ryan's calls 2. Work on your play 3. Eat 4. Sleep.  See how helpful I can be?!  Give me a call when you're free and we can get together.
Me: I thought it was pretty obvious after date 2 that we weren't really clicking.  Plus any interest that might have been there faded when you let a month pass b4 contacting me again.  1. If you're interested pursue the girl 2. Your the guy and that's your job 3. You should see my play, it's full of dating advice that you might seriously benefit from 4. You're not the only one who can be helpful :)
R: Haha.  Holy shit!  Good luck with that play, you're seem to be a dating expert so I'm sure it will do well.  Bye...

I let him have the last word cause it was not only funny, but well played.  Sure it was just texting, but that was some serious word vomit that I managed to let fly, and I wasn't even drinking.  Big step forward for Jen Griffin.  Back to the story though, his recontact was disappointing... the month lapse was totally unacceptable (that's dating 101), much like the surprise makeout; he totally cornered me into having the pseudo break up conversation that I was trying to avoid!  But mostly I just really wanted him to be the first guy who actually 'got it'.  I wanted that so badly; much like my naive desire for a heterosexual male best friend, but I'll save that for another blog session.

So What Are You Doing Now?

A couple of friends and I went to Cedar Point ( an amusement park) and in an effort to cool off; ducked into one of the air conditioned theatres for a show.  Long story short I saw that one of the peformers went to Ball State University where I studied, (well drank a lot) during my Freshman year of college.  Cedar Point is a pretty legit summer job for a college kids studying Musical Theatre.  I spent a summer singing and dancing in one of their shows making $500/wk and thinking I was totally loaded.  Which is totally loaded for a 19 year old without any living expenses.  Heck, I think I actually make less than that now.  After we had named all the teachers we both had, she looked at me with her wide naive eyes and in the sincerest voice asked, "So what are you doing now?"  She begged the question with the most hopeful, unjaded, and optimistic outlook of a kid still in college.  Obviously a girl who's never gotten up at 4:30am, to take a subway 140 blocks to scribble her name on the 'unofficial non-union sign up sheet' (at three different audition venues) hoping she'll get to sing her best sixteen bars for a casting director before her restaurant shift at one.
I didn't have the heart or humility to tell her the truth.  I gave her some vague bullshit answer that didn't include getting cast in a Broadway show after my first couple auditions.  I wanted to tell her the truth that it's hard and that post grad life as a musical theatre major looks something like this...I'm working a souless job in marketing which I really have no experience in, but my dad knows the boss so he got me in; and it sure beats waitressing!  But I haven't totally abandoned musical theatre, I'm currently in a community theatre production of 'Chicago'.  No it's not a regional theatre or even summer stock.  Just an unpaid gig in a small barn in the middle of Ohio.  Kind of a shame about the unpaid part cause I'm drowning in student loans but I'm hoping to start paying them back now that I moved back in with my parents.  The local paper just dogged the show in their review, but on the up side we've pre-sold a lot of tickets.  And I did get the lead, so it looks like my 120 thousand dollar education in the performing arts is finally starting to pay off.  So I understand you're going into your senior year... seriously if it's not too late you should really change your major.