Online Dating Tutorial: Profile Pictures 201

This post is a continuation in what I'm sure will be a series of self help tutorials aiding clueless males down the littered back alley of online dating.  There truly are so many things to be said for the importance in carefully choosing ones profile picture.  

*Disclaimer: If at any point while reading you find yourself lost or disconnected in regards to the content, please refer back to the prequel to this tutorial entitled: Profile Pictures 101.  In my first guide I gloss over the fundamentals, structure, and building blocks of profile pics while highlighting common mistakes.  202 is an in depth analysis as we step farther away from the 'common man' and delve deep into a sect of males I like to call "guys who just don't get it".  Below is an honest female perception of the following profile pictures after a prudent and thorough five second viewing period.

1. The Army Dude

Let's be totally honest here.  Nothing says Skype dates and pleasuring yourself with your vibrator like dating a guy in the military.  No offense, but long distance is rough.  And dating someone overseas with limited access to a telephone, is long distance for extremists who are reeking with patience and copious amounts of self control.  Moving along...


2. Committing Arson in my Spencers T-Shirt

Okay buddy let's get real, that fire is beyond us two getting cozy and toasting marshmallows.  That's the kind of fire you destroy evidence in...the kind of evidence you don't want to be recovered...EVER!  It's down right reminiscent of the guy posing with his rifle in Profile Pictures 101.  I see this photo, and I take this as your solemn promise to burn me alive should I ever break up with you.  Starting a relationship off with scary promises of bodily torture isn't a killer way to find your match (both puns intended)...but hey, I'm no expert.
Secondly, your shirt says "Plays Well With Self".  Classy.  And from the looks of you, painfully obvious.  But let's not start out by spouting off about our masterbation habits right off the bat...we haven't even met yet.  Save something for date number two.  Perhaps you yourself (reader) are like this guy and don't have a lot to brag about.  I mean aside from building ridiculously large fires in desolate areas (most likely full of human corpses) and your right handed girlfriend (unless of course you're a lefty) maybe you should try and highlight other positive qualities you might have.


3. The Name Dropper

We get it you met Giada DeLaurentiis.   And in addition to you wanting me to assume you're a bad ass cook, and hoping I blind myself with visions of us cuddled up watching the Food Network, I'm also supposed to think you're the coolest guy I've ever met right?  Talented in the kitchen, perhaps he's on the sensitive side...I'm on to you asshole!  What really infuriates me about this picture is not your potential love of Italian cuisine or whatever fetish you might have for petite brunettes, but that you are exploiting Giada!  After she signed your cookbook did you ask her if you could post her picture on www.nolongerlonely.com?  (yeah, it's fucking real...click that shit)  Don't do that to Giada, or your kids, or your grandma, or your ugliest friend.  It's not cool to expose a third party just to make yourself look cool, sensitive, or more attractive.  Plus it didn't earn you any brownie points...in fact they've been revoked!


4. The Knee Slapper

"This picture more than adequately depicts my sense of humor and flair for tomfoolery.  Let me break down the series of events surrounding this picture so you can fully understand why I chose this as the one and only picture in my profile, and thus the only means you have to judge me as a person (besides some poorly worded paragraph I wrote about myself.)  
I opened up a present on Christmas morning and then proceeded to put the ribbon from the box on my head.  I'm sure I'm the first person to ever do this, so unknowingly this photo also portrays how original and spontaneous I can be.  My sisters kids got a real kick out of this one.  (note little bastard I was unable to fully crop out)  I guess you could say I'm a bit of a practical joker.  Regardless, if you date me I can guarantee there is plenty more where this came from!"


5. Grow up you fucking babies!

No woman in her right mind is sitting on her couch sifting through personal ads saying, "I just want a boyfriend to take care of...the kind of guy who's searching for the mother figure he never had growing up."  Stop portraying yourself in odd pictures partaking in little boy activities.  Get off the swings, take off that stupid bucket hat, and grow up.  Did I mention the removal that heinous hat?  Because that's almost more offensive that your love of tree swings.
As for the gentleman spooning his teddy.  I really hope he's trying to be funny and this picture is actually a witty commentary on how he doesn't take himself or online dating too seriously.  If not I'm worried.  Worried for single women everywhere, as all hope for us is seemingly diminished with each click of a new profile.


6. I Spy

Let's talk about what we see in this picture.  Aside from the obvious thug tatts, ugly shower curtain, and wife beater tan lines...why does this guy have 5 tooth brushes?  1 dude, 5 tooth brushes, and 1 washcloth sized towel.  I'm no mathematician, but this just doesn't add up.  Roommates you say?  Ugh...I have failed you as a teacher.  WRONG...it's worse than four roommates, we're talking kids here.  While there is no mention of him having children in his profile (not even in the drop down box titled 'children')  Take note of the plastic tree frog behind his head.  Take an even closer look, and you'll also notice a second wall decal, precisely at a toddler height level. Something cartoonish and colorful...the kind of shit that bemuses children while they bathe.  This guy definitely has kids...I'm willing to guess about four; unless he just has a compulsive brushing habit and a really horrible sense of aesthetics when it comes to home decor.  In that case I take back what I said about his plethora of little angels.  Either way, steer clear of this one for a variety of reasons!

My Hallmark Commentary on Relationships

The Virgin Mary

I always think it's strange when my doctor asks, "Any chance of pregnancy?" 


Why bring chance into it?  I guess anything is possible; look at the Virgin Mary.  She was on the ultimate birth control and she still got knocked up. 


So to answer your question, "Yeah I guess there's always a chance."

Online Dating Tutorial: Profile Pictures 101

I'm not a relationship professional or an online dating aficionado, but as a female with strong opinions, I have a few pointers when it comes to males and how they advertise themselves on dating sites.


The following is a tutorial for men on what not to do when uploading a profile picture.  No computer algorithms were used to derive these conclusions, there were no in depth panel discussions, no board certified doctors present during this research; but I can personally guarantee that these men are not getting dates.
So guys read on, and discover how to stop cock blocking yourself with a bad pic and actually meet some ladies.


Exhibit A
College Forever Land

Wow, I'm impressed!  Some men may assume that security, intelligence, wit, and dashing good looks are at the top of a woman's list; but they're wrong.  Most women are more concerned with whether or not their man is going to dominate in a rowdy game of beer pong.  No lady wants to be embarrassed at the bar by her guy's less than average ball tossing form.
It may surprise you, but 3 traits listed higher than your skills in the bed are: his ability to rack up points in beer pong, speed and agility in flip cup, and form/cleanliness when bonging a beer.  It's tough to find a 35 year old male who's trapped in a world where he never stops playing college drinking games.  Exhibit A proves he's out there, and I can speak for all women when I say, "Thank God!  He really does exist."


In all seriousness we get it dude.  This was a proud moment and you've captured it on film.  But keep this one buried in a box in your basement.  Highlighting your beer pong skills when you only have a limited number of photos to upload is a total waste.  So was the money you spent on that XXL t-shirt, but that's fairly minor in the scope of what's happening in this picture, so I'll let it slide.  Also, no need to list how many shots of Jagermeister you can down in an evening.  Feel free to omit that from your profile, most ladies are interested in more traditional stats: height, weight, income, etc.


Exhibit B
Check dis shit out!

Sadly, this is the same guy as Exhibit A (no joke).  Nothing quite says, "I'll probably blow your head off when you break up with me" like this picture.  If this photo is supposed to depict a profound love of hunting, perhaps he should have listed that under his hobbies.  Or taken this photograph while wearing hunting apparel in the middle of a forest.
Instead he threw on his favorite tee, parked it on his couch, and had his friend photograph him holding a giant rifle.  (Friend w/ camera) "Dude what's this for?"  (Scary gun owner) "I just started online dating and I need some kick-ass pics to reel in the ladies.  Now let's go down to the basement and get a couple of me by the beer pong table."


Exhibit C
It's hard to avoid looking like a douchebag when you're taking your own shirtless photo.

 
This guy is naked in all of his pictures.  Having to view one picture of a guy with his shirt off is a deal breaker (depending on his biceps), but 6 photos!  After a brief overview, any lady perusing these photos is going to realize that your dating venues are seriously limited.  Second thought, why is his camera so handy post shower!?  This is a sure fire way to totally weird a girl out.  Also his screen name: hot_guy69_4you_baby.


**There are exceptions to being shirtless. Here is an example of an acceptable shirtless photo: 1. He isn't taking the picture himself  2. He is taking part in a shirtless activity  3. He has a great bod

Exhibit D
I love to read

Not all bad photos are of tools and douchebags.  Some lame photos are of intelligent fools like this one.  Here's the thing buddy, you can just tell me that you enjoy great literature and I'd believe you.  Just as I'd believe you if you said you love Mexican food, that you work out three times a week, or have a  really organized apartment.  I don't need a picture of you eating guacamole, red faced and sweaty on the treadmill, or a photo of your in-home filing system.  I get it, and I believe you.  I have no reason not to; you're a perfect stranger and you can paint any of picture of yourself that you want to.  


Exhibit E
You wanna date me?  F*&k you!

Positive aspects of this pic: the bike, it's cool.


Deal breaker: flicking off the girl who was interested enough in your profile to glance at your photos.  Not a great kick off to a romantic relationship.  This appears to be a candid photo, what with his lounge position, but then he gives the middle finger to the guy he asked to photograph him?!  I guess I'm supposed to think he's cool?  A rebel?  A badass?  Basically the only way this pic would be acceptable is if he was fleeing the paparazzi while riding the bike, and flicking them off during the high speed chase.


To sum up this tutorial: if your mother wouldn't frame it, and put it above the fireplace; don't add it to your profile pictures.

Zumba Scares Me

I attended my first Zumba class earlier this summer after my sister begged me to sign up with her. (In case you are unaware, Zumba is a Latin dance exercise class.) It's sweeping the nation...where have you been? We took the six week session...it was awesome. It was Super fun, a great workout, and the teacher make it look so easy. After week three I was like, "psshhh... I could teach a Zumba class". 

In typical Jen fashion, I found a certification class, signed up, and put it on my credit card in five minutes flat. That's right, no real thought was put into this decision. It was a couple hundred bucks. Ok, a couple hundred dollars I didn't actually have, but I kept telling myself, "Education is never a bad investment." I'm a pro at rationalizing purchases.  

Training day rolled around and I drove to the YMCA and hour away.  I was ready to learn everything I needed to know to become the Zumba instructor I'd been dancing behind for the last 6 weeks. The class was taught by two white, middle aged, married people. Married to each other that is...a fact I'm glad they mentioned because the husbands sexuality was beyond questionable. The two of them were cut straight from an infomercial and pasted into the YMCA. They're entrance into the gym was choreographed and cued by music. Their Zumba apparel even framed their Zumba tattoos. Yes, that's right! Both of them were sporting the Zumba logo which was tattooed on their body...in ink...FOREVER! I was getting sweaty, were tattoos mandatory to graduate? It was barely 8am, and the two of them stormed into the basketball court painted gym like a coked out pair of the SNL cheerleaders. "Who's ready to Zumba!!!??? Well come on!!! Get up and let's get craaaazaaaayyyy!" I looked around and people were actually running to get a spot in front. There were no door prizes...why the fuck was everyone running!?! I woke up late that morning and didn't get my Starbucks. I thought it would be ok...I thought we'd start with an informational video or something a little more sedentary.

To sum up the day, we danced a ton, we watched the husband and wife team grind a lot, and we were all brainwashed into joining the "insiders club". The super cool, elite, club for instructors that offers DVD's, music, and discounts for the low low price of $30 a month. I walked into the YMCA repeating this promise in my head, "Don't join the 'insiders club'; no matter what it comes with, or how good it sounds, DON'T PAY TO BE IN THE CLUB!"

I am a weak willed person; especially in the presence of great sales people.

Yes, I am still a member of the stupid insiders club. This will serve as a reminder to myself to call and cancel asap. I got home from the training session and realized I just spent several hundred bucks to watch a white guy "brush the dirt of his shoulders". What the hell did I really know about Zumba!? I didn't walk away with a lesson plan, or dances, or even music. (I have to wait for that shit to come in the mail) I just attended a motivational seminar that got me so pumped to teach I didn't realize that I was only leaving with a club card and a diploma.

The cherry on the sundae of this story is that in typical Jen fashion; I secured a job teaching Zumba about a week before I took the course. I had the daunting task of filling an hour with Latin dance. Dances I know like the back of my hand, so the people behind me can follow along.  Do you know how many songs fit into an hour!? Nearly 16! Talk about pressure...why did I do this to myself? I'll say it; I'm scared of Zumba.  Unfortunately, next Thursday it's on!  Me...faking Zumba in front of a classroom full of people expecting a coked out SNL cheerleader.

  

List Making

I made a list of all the reasons you suck!  That way on the off chance that I forget, I can reference it and remind myself why we stopped talking.

Seriously, where the hell did I put it?!?

People Watching

My inner thoughts while people watching for three hours at the Atlanta airport...

An attractive guy walks by:
Hmmm... I wonder what he looks like with his shirt off?

A really attractive guy walks by in the other direction:
Wow...hot!  I bet his has a big one.  At least I hope so...

A girl in pajamas shuffles by:
Come on girl!  Seriously!?

An overweight guy walks by (belly hanging over pants) :
I bet he's really funny.